How Do I Empathize With & Understand my Spouse?
Do you ever feel like your spouse doesn't understand you or isn't empathizing with you like you need them too? Do you find yourself wondering how to empathize or understand your spouse better? Do you want learn what it feels like to truly empathize with someone? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, this article is for you!
Empathizing with your spouse can take your relationship to deeper levels because it allows you meet them where they are while they are and truly try to feel what they are feeling. Empathy creates a safe place in your marriage where your spouse can go to to feel love and peace when those difficult and trying emotions surface. Strive to be that safe place for your spouse and likewise, be willing to share and open up with your spouse so that they can be that safe place for you.
Not every relationship has that “safe place” feeling, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not something that you can’t create. Maybe you (or your spouse) never learned how to do that and that’s okay. When we know better, we do better. You or your spouse might not get it in the first go around, but keep trying. As long as you are genuinely invested in trying to empathize, those intentions will be felt.
First, listen, then validate how your spouse is feeling. It’s important to put yourself in their shoes and to refrain from judging them based on what you would do or how you might handle the situation. Empathy is not about fixing the problem, it’s about allowing yourself to feel what your spouse is feeling. It’s less about “going to” them, and more about “being with” them. If this still seems hard for you to do, ask questions so that you can better understand; so that you can get a better feel (pun intended) for where they’re at. It might take some practice, but even just being present for when your partner needs you goes a long way.
As far as understanding your spouse goes, you can’t really understand them if you don’t know them. So, take time to get to know each other better. Whether you’ve been married 5 years or 50 years, you and your spouse are always changing and growing which means that you can always learn new things about each other. Learning about each other can look like taking the Love Languages test, the Meyers-Briggs personality test, or even an enneagram test. Another thing you guys can do is to go on adventures together. This can help you learn about how each spouse reacts in different environments and different situations. And even though you did this when you were first dating, go back to asking each other questions to get to know each other better.
Ideas for how to be more empathetic & understanding:
Put yourself in their shoes
Refrain from judging your spouse (based on what you would do in that situation)
Consider their wants and needs
Be willing to feel what your partner is feeling; not jumping straight into fixing the problem
Work on being aware of your partner’s emotions
Ask questions and show you are actively listening while your partner shares with you
Preemptively ask your partner how they are doing instead of waiting to be told
Take the Love Languages test, a personality test like the Meyers-Briggs test or an enneagram test
Date your spouse; go on adventures together and see how they are in different environments
Ask each other get-to-know you questions like when you were first dating each other