How Do I Forgive or Apologize to my Spouse?
Forgiveness is really a gift you give to your marriage and to yourself. It is inevitable that at some point (probably many points) in your marriage you will intentionally or unintentionally do something or say something that will hurt your spouse and vice versa. Here then, is where this gift comes in. However, you must first create a forgiving environment in your heart long before you ever need to apologize or accept an apology. That allows for a solid foundation to fall back on when you find yourself in a situation that requires forgiveness. Because let’s be real, thinking about forgiving someone and actually forgiving someone are two different things. And when it comes down to it, I think the first is a little easier to do than the second. Having a foundation of forgiveness makes it a easier to actually forgive your spouse.
Forgiving someone is like exercising a muscle; the more you do it, the stronger you become. If you did something wrong or were unkind, apologize; it’s as simple as that right? If you were the one being wronged, and your spouse sincerely apologizes to you, forgive them. There you go, you mastered forgiveness! Okay, okay. So, sometimes that’s easier said than done. It takes a lot of work, but it is possible to make this a strength in your marriage.
If you are finding yourself not wanting to forgive, ask yourself “why?” Is it because you have some things internally that need some healing? Is it because you’re not ready yet? Is it because you didn’t get a formal apology? Finding out the deeper reason will help you take those first steps on your journey to forgiveness.
As far as apologizing goes, this takes some humility to admit that what you did was wrong or hurtful. Humility involves you taking a sense of ownership in the situation and realizing that you made a mistake. For me, I find that if I focus on my spouse more than on how I’m feeling justified for what I said or did, then it’s a little easier to say “I’m sorry.” At other times, I know my spouse isn’t ready for an apology even though I’m ready to give it. In those moments I will wait a little bit until he’s cooled off to apologize, or maybe I’ll write a note if he’s not ready to talk face to face.
It’s in the trying that makes all the difference. Apologize, even if your spouse doesn’t accept it right away. Forgive, even if you still want to harbor resentment. Without apologies and forgiveness, your marriage becomes threatened by the poison of anger, judgement, grudges, and resentment. If these fester long enough, bad things happen. So instead of going down that route, in the words of Michael Bublé, “try a little tenderness”. It’s amazing what a little love can do to ease the tension in your marriage and turn things around 180°.
Ideas for forgiving, apologizing, & accepting apologies:
Apologize quickly and genuinely.
Make restitution. Making restitution will look different for everyone but essentially try to “right” what’s been “wronged”.
Once you forgive, try not to bring it up again- especially in another argument.
If you’re finding it hard to forgive, try serving your spouse. (It’s hard to stay mad at someone that you’re genuinely trying to be kind to.)
Study forgiveness and how the Savior forgives.
Pray for help to either forgive or apologize.
Allow your heart to soften when giving or receiving an apology.
Read The Peace Giver by James L. Ferrell together.
See them as God sees them.