The Secrets to Communicating with Your Spouse!
Don’t you feel like this topic is always a doozy! Well, it doesn’t have to be. Once you recognize these next few things I’m about to tell you, you can approach how you look at communicating in a different light and hopefully begin to feel more peace in communicating with your spouse.
First thing’s first, it’s important to recognize that men and women communicate differently. Men and women also speak differently, and they also perceive things a little differently too. You know, like how some women just want their husbands to listen when they talk, but their husbands just want to “fix it”. Or vice versa? Does this sound familiar? We were designed differently on purpose and when you know how to use each other’s strengths, because listening and fixing are both strengths (to be used at the appropriate times), you can grow together so much more! For those of you who are more prone to be “listeners” in your marriage, teach your spouse how to listen. For those of you who are more prone to be “fixers” in your marriage, teach your spouse how to tackle those tough issues. That is to say, all to be done in love and kindness of course!
Second, different personality types communicate differently. Some people like sharing everything. Some people don’t like sharing anything at all. Some people use words, and others just use body language. For example, in my family growing up, we knew that if anyone in our family came up to you (after doing something unkind) and gave you “knuckles”, that meant “I’m sorry!” We didn’t even need to use words because we all knew what that meant. My husband and I have moments like that where we snuggle up to and hug each other to say we’re sorry and I’m sure you do to. Figure out how each of you like to communicate and then share that with your spouse. If you don’t know how you communicate then I challenge you to learn more about yourself and discover what that is; this is valuable information to know.
Third, just know that what you say might be perceived by your spouse as speaking an entirely “different language” all together. Talk about how you both receive messages when each person communicates; you may find that you think you are communicating in a clear and understandable way, but your spouse may not feel the same. If that’s the case, it’s not your fault or your spouse’s fault that you are speaking a “different language”, but it is both of your jobs to work on learning to speak the same language. That might mean you need a translator of sorts, like a therapist. It could also mean that you learn how to ask clarifying questions or re-phrase what you say. This is something that requires a lot of patience, but hold out and keep working at it because the pay off is worth its weight in gold!
Here are some helpful things to consider when communicating with your spouse:
Use “I feel…” statements when you’re upset. “I” statements cause the speaker to own how they feel instead of blaming the listener by saying things like “You always…/You never…”
Pray to help understand each other. Pray before communicating something important to each other.
If talking isn’t working, try writing it down.
Plan a time to talk with each other uninterrupted.
Avoid talking when either spouse is clearly upset and/or doesn’t want to communicate right then.
Involve a trusted third party such as a therapist to help you develop good communication skills.
Study healthy communication skills, tips, and tricks.