Marriage Spokes: Simple Ideas to Get You Started
Strengthening your marriage can sometimes be challenging. I get it! That’s why I created The Balance Wheel Journals. I took all of the guesswork out of it so that you could focus on the solutions and actions that will get you to that elevated place in your marriage that you want to be. For those of you who are new here, let me explain a little bit about the Balance Wheel and its benefits.
What I call “The Balance Wheel” is also known as “The Wheel of Life”. The balance wheel I created has 8 spokes on it that represent 8 fundamental aspects of your marriage, that if strong and functioning properly, can allow you to have a more balanced and whole marriage. And who wouldn’t want that?! On the balance wheel, you will find the numbers 0-10 on each spoke and the idea is that you together, as a couple, will rate each spoke of your marriage based on how you feel you are doing. If you rank high, great job! If you rank not-so-high, no need to fret. That’s the whole point of this journey; to improve where we fall short. Each time we become a little better and a little stronger. Below you will find some ideas for how to strengthen any spoke you both are struggling with currently. It is not a comprehensive list, but hopefully it’ll help you with some ideas of how to improve those areas until those sparks of inspiration and creativity come!
SERVICE: Serving your spouse is a catalyst for love. When you think about your spouse before yourself and how you can help them, your attitude towards them changes, your love for each other grows, and as an added bonus, not only do they feel good, but you do too!
Examples:
offer to make dinner one night
run an errand for them
give a back massage
do one of their household chores: clean the bathroom, do the laundry, make the bed
stay awake with them during nighttime feedings with a newborn
wash their car for them; fill their car up with gas
help them with a personal goal of theirs
EMPATHY/UNDERSTANDING: Do you ever feel like your spouse doesn't understand you or isn't empathizing with you like you need them too? Do you find yourself wondering how to empathize or understand your spouse better? First seek to listen, then validate how they feel. You or your spouse might not get it in the first go around, but keep trying. As long as you are genuinely invested in trying to empathize, those intentions will go a long way.
Examples:
Ask your spouse to re-phrase their statement using more “empathetic” words and tones. Give them an example of how they can re-phrase their statement.
Put yourself in their shoes
Express compassion when your spouse shares their feelings about something
Ask questions while your spouse is communicating their feelings to help your understanding of the situation
Study empathy together
Practice empathy building strategies
Use empathetic gestures (a loving touch, a smile, a hug, a forehead kiss, etc.)
SPIRITUAL: When you put God at the center of your relationship, he can magnify your efforts in creating an amazing marriage! Praying together, reading scriptures together, and worshipping together can strengthen your marriage like nothing else can. When you struggle in strengthening the spokes of the balance wheel, ask God for help. He's the Master Healer, the Master Counselor, and the Master Helper!
Examples:
Pick a time to read/study the scriptures together
Take turns saying morning/evening prayers together
Study General Conference talks together
Each person gets a study topic. Take 20 mins studying that topic then share with each other what you’ve learned.
Go to church together
Watch uplifting videos like, The Chosen, together
Play church music in your home or in the car together
FINANCIAL: Money, money, muhhhnay! If you've ever shared financial responsibility with another person, then you know how challenging that can be. When you don't have tons of debt looming over you, there are so many things you can do! Work on sticking to a budget, having open communication about spending habits and purchases, and making sure to plan for fun spends every now and again!
Examples:
Make a budget and stick to it. Review it from time to time.
Communicate expectations about how you both want to spend your money
Make tithing a priority
Do a spend freeze for 1 week
Make a meal plan for your family
Open another bank account for specific saving funds
Take a finance workshop/class together
Start a date night fund
SEX LIFE: This area allows for vulnerability and openness with your spouse, which can bind you together creating a strong and loving connection, if done correctly. Dedicate time each week to be intimate together (which doesn't always necessarily mean having sex). Work happens, kids need to be taken care of, community and church obligations pop up, but make sure to get your lovin' on!
Examples:
If you’re a couple that’s really busy, try scheduling a “sex night”
Spice things up with a game, lingerie, or doing things in a different part of the house
Talk about what each of you likes and doesn’t like; be specific
If you’re having physical or hormonal issues, make an appointment to see your doctor
Try some new lube like Aloe Cadabra or Coconu (these don’t have harsh chemicals) or KY Yours & Mine (tingly sensation)
FUN: "All work and no play make Jack and Jill a dull boy and girl." Fun is necessary to any relationship! Marriages, just like life, become boring, weighed down, and just plain hard without a little fun to release the tension and break up the monotony. If you guys are too busy, make sure to schedule something fun to do with each other, friends, or family!
Examples:
Visit a place in your state that you’ve never been to before
Let your Instagram or FB fam pick what you are going to do for a date night
Try the Adventure Challenge Couples Editions-they have some fun & creative ideas!
Go on a couple’s trip with other couples
Stay in an Airbnb or hotel for one night just because
Go on that vacation you’ve been wanting to go on
COMMUNICATION: There are so many aspects to healthy communication: active listening, validating, paying attention, etc. There are also many verbal and non-verbal ways to communicate. If one method or strategy isn't working, try another. Communication is one of the most crucial elements to any marriage and it’s worth it to practice this like you would any instrument or sport. In war, the enemy always tries to break the communication lines or at least intercept them. Don’t let this happen to you!
Examples:
Read some books together on how to improve your communication (I recommend Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman to start off.)
Use “I” statements when explaining how you feel; this is very important.
Avoid saying “you always” or “you never” statements when you’re angry
Work on active listening
Do some pillow talk every night before you go to bed
Work on re-phrasing things if your spouse isn’t getting it; ask questions to your spouse if you’re not understanding what they are saying in a nice tone and manner
Only share your relationship “things” with trusted sources
FORGIVENESS/APOLOGIES: Are you quick to apologize? Are you quick to forgive? The sooner you both learn to work through arguments and disagreements, the sooner you allow your marriage to feel light again-literally and figuratively. It won't always be easy, and it will most definitely take some work, but it is possible!
Ex:
Read stories from the scriptures about forgiveness.
Work on giving and accepting apologies
If “speaking” an apology isn’t working or is too difficult for you, try writing a letter instead
Be genuinely sincere in your apology; be specific about what you are sorry for
Pray to ask for help in giving and accepting an apology
Study the Atonement together
Hold hands or hug when you’re mad at each other
Remove any swearing for hurtful things from your language when in a heated argument/discussion
Now that you have some ideas of where to begin, grab your journal and start making some goals together! You will have more ideas come to you as you do this each week. Then, you’ll be able to tailor your goals to exactly what your marriage needs. Happy rolling!